Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
