My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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