from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
