You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
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