i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
