One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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