Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
