my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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