The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
