dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
