end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
My pussy is not your playground.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
