Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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