"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
