I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
