I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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