Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
My vagina is officially offended.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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