true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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