Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
