so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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