When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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