My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
