i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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