How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Jerry, you need to find god
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
