can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
