Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
