I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
