I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
