Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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