I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
