It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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