I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
