I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
