well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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