We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
