you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
