Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
