dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
