I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
did i just pee glitter
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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