I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
