in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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