True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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