What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Randomize
