Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My cat gives me a boner
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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