She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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