I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
