So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
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I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
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And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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