Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Soap is not a condiment
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
