And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
