I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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