I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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