yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
