I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
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