I think I am morally bankrupt
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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