How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
