My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
