in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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