Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
