Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
