Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
